National Coming Out Day: The emotional labour of (constantly) correcting.

Saturday 11th October was National Coming Out Day, and as I reflect on what that means, I keep thinking about a quieter, subtler kind of bravery; the courage it takes to come out again and again. 

Because that is many people’s reality.

As all of us who are regularly assumed to be something we’re not know, a huge depth of courage and resilience is needed to make the regular decisions…”Do I correct them, or do I let it slide?”

It happens when someone calls me “Mrs.”

There’s mostly no malicious internet. It’s usually an attempt at being polite, a need to be formal. 

It’s often an assumption that because the person knows I have the same surname as my children, then I must be married.

But when I respond, “Actually, I don’t have a marital status title.” Or “Oh I’m not a Mrs, please just call me ‘Stella’!”,  there’s a moment.

Sometimes it’s a flicker of confusion. Sometimes it’s curiosity. Occasionally, it’s a polite nod and move on. But always, when the moment comes, there’s the constant choice to correct the person, or to leave it. 

That hesitation, that calculation, is one many LGBTQ+ people know intimately.

The weight behind a word

For a long time, I didn’t think much about titles. I filled out forms without noticing that drop-down box: Miss, Mrs, Ms, Mr, Other. It was just how things were. 

But as I grew older, and more confident in who I am, and more aware of the barriers to authenticity which exist in society, I started noticing how loaded those little boxes were.

When I’m called “Mrs,” it carries an assumption; that I’m married, that my partner is a man, that I fit neatly into the traditional boxes of womanhood. And yet, none of that is true. I’m not “Mrs.” And I don’t define myself by my relationship to anybody else. 

It’s not about being offended; it’s that the word simply isn’t me

And every time I correct it, I’m quietly asserting my right to be recognised on my own terms.

That’s why I started GoTitleFree™ — a push to encourage businesses and organisations to get rid of the marital status drop-down box entirely. Because behind that one small detail sits a much bigger issue: The way our systems make assumptions about who people are, what their experiences have been, who they love, and how they live their lives.

Coming out isn’t always a grand announcement

When we talk about “coming out,” we often imagine big, dramatic moments; telling family, announcing your identity, sharing your truth publicly. And those moments are powerful. But for most of us, coming out isn’t just one big event — it’s a series of small, ongoing acts of honesty.

There is an inequitable burden for those making everyday corrections:

• When someone assumes you’re a ‘Mrs’ because you’re ‘too old’ to be a ‘Miss’.
• When someone assumes your partner’s gender.
• When you’re asked your husband’s or wife’s name — and you pause before explaining that your partner isn’t the gender that’s been assumed.
• When you’re filling in a form and the only available options erase who you are.

Each correction is a choice between ease and authenticity. Between letting it go to keep things comfortable, or speaking up to make things right — not just for yourself, but for everyone who comes after you.

It’s a form of everyday bravery that often goes unseen.

The emotional labour of being “the corrector”

Correcting people sounds simple, but it carries weight. There’s that tiny jolt of anxiety. How will they react? Will they be embarrassed? Defensive? Will I need to explain myself? Will they make it a “thing”?

To mask who you really are, takes an incredible amount of psychological energy. But to overcome and assumption does too.

When you spend your life correcting small assumptions, you become finely attuned to the emotional temperature of a room. You learn when to smile, when to let it go, when to stand firm. That’s not about insecurity; it’s about safety, social cues, self preservation.

And yet, every correction, every small act of truth-telling, is also a declaration of self-worth.
It’s saying: I trust that who I am is valid enough to be recognised.

That’s why I see these micro-moments as part of the broader conversation around coming out. Not everyone will have a grand “moment.” But everyone who’s ever had to correct an assumption knows the courage it takes to be real, again and again.

A daily reminder of exclusion…

Some people tell me, “Oh, but titles are just polite! It’s tradition.”

But traditions aren’t neutral, they aren’t harmless, and they aren’t part of a person’s legal identity.

They carry histories, hierarchies and a lot of pain for many people. 

When an organisation forces you to pick “Miss” or “Mrs” or “Ms,” it’s not just collecting data It’s asking you to define yourself by marital status, something men are asked to do less often. It’s also quietly reinforcing an outdated idea of womanhood that excludes single women, queer women, and anyone who doesn’t conform to typical expectations.

What’s more, that drop-down box can be a daily reminder of exclusion. For people whose identities don’t fit neatly into binary categories, or for those who simply prefer not to define themselves through relationship status, it can feel alienating and unnecessary.

GoTitleFree isn’t about being difficult or “politically correct.” It’s about simplicity, and inclusion in its most practical form. Because inclusion isn’t only about language in policies or training sessions. It’s about the design of the systems we all interact with.

Every form, every HR platform, every membership database sends signals about who’s expected and who’s considered… “other.”

So I correct people for all of the others who may also feel like me, and for my daughters who will have to live with the restrictions, assumptions and barriers created by titles… if we don’t do something about it now. 

“We’ve never really thought about it…”

When I speak to businesses about removing marital status boxes, I often hear:

“We’ve never really thought about it.”

And that’s the point. Most people don’t. It’s just how things have always been. But inclusion starts when we do start thinking about it — when we question the automatic choices and the quiet assumptions baked into our processes.

I’ve been encouraged by how many organisations have responded positively. Some have already changed their forms, replacing marital status titles with a simple, neutral “preferred name” field. Others are rethinking why they collect that data in the first place.

These might sound like small fixes, but collectively they make a big difference. They tell every person who interacts with that business: You belong here, as you are.

(Not ‘regardless of’… look out for that in policies please HR comrades!)

Coming out, correcting, continuing

So today, on National Coming Out Day, I’ll be thinking not just of the loud, proud declarations, but also of the soft, steady voices that say, “Actually, that’s not quite right.”

Because every correction is a small reclaiming of identity in a world that constantly categorises and assumes. It’s an act of integrity, choosing truth over comfort, even when it would be easier to let it go.

And perhaps most importantly, it’s an invitation; or the person being corrected, for the business listening, for the systems that can change, to do better. 

To listen, to learn, to design a world that doesn’t force people to fit into boxes that were never built for them.

A quiet kind of bravery

So here’s to the quiet courage it takes to speak up when someone gets it wrong.
Here’s to the people who say, gently, “Actually, I’m not a Mrs,” or “My partner isn’t a he,” or “That box doesn’t fit me.”

And here’s to the day when those corrections won’t be necessary — because our language, our systems, and our cultures will already have made space for everyone to belong, exactly as they are.

Stella Sutcliffe

_____________________________________________________________________

GoTitleFree™ has been celebrating businesses who have gone ‘title free’ for seven years.

We have created toolkits for businesses to use who want to explore the various ways to ensure gender inclusive language in customer service and communication practices.

We also have a petition for any person who wishes to add their name to our list of supporters.

To all of our existing supporters, keep fighting the ‘title free’ fight!